Art and This Proving

In this proving we were fortunate to have several artists participating as either provers or supervisors. A local artist, Hannah Albert, produced a series of artworks during the time she serves as a supervisor for this proving. Upon reflection we found this artwork to be highly representative of this remedy. We’re enjoying having a visual as well as written description of this state. Photographs of the artwork are including on all the major theme sections. We hope to actually schedule an “Art Afternoon” for provers and supervisors in the next proving as a way to continue this tradition.

Ann Betz, a burgeoning poet, wrote a considerable amount of poetry during the time she served as a prover. This also reflects the state of this remedy. It’s also lovely to see the remedy themes come out in the poetry as well. See Poetry. 

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A Proving full of Stories

This proving more than any other seems to be filled with stories of transformations on a healing level. I’ve served as a theme editor for eight provings as of now and this was the first one in which I found myself captivated by the stories of what happened in the prover’s lives. It is as if the magnet accelerated the rate of internal healing bringing to them the events or people that would shock them into distress and stimulate healing and reconciliation.  This proving also brought about expressions of provers stepping out and becoming more of who they are, of facing their fears and coming through stronger. Here are just a few of the stories...  

Story: A Bruised Heart

(Day 5) I wrote a REALLY long letter to man I’m in love with saying I can't just be friends with you. I've NEVER said that to a man before. I'm the girl, I expect them to chase me! .. It was good for me to be undefended, to say "I want you." Now we just have to find time in the same time zone.

(Day 6) Having a really challenging time connecting with my friend in Europe. I stayed up until one am but it was great. He has work in Chicago. There was a question if it was booked for sure, now it's happening! So I will see him. I'm very happy about that.

(Day 6) Poetry theme tonight -- happiness from inside. Love interest asked me what makes me happy, and I realized that nothing external "makes" me happy.

(Day 7) Spoke finally to friend.  Found out that he is definitely coming to Chicago in two weeks (I will drive down to see him). We have not seen each other since we met in late February. We were talking about our connection and he said oh, I just saw two flowers (he was in Amsterdam). Two pink tulips against a sea of blue flowers. He had been at a very out there tantra workshop for the week but told me he didn't feel like exploring things sexually with anyone, just writing and connecting with nature. The sex wasn't very interesting or exciting to him. 

(Day 7) There is a harmonic resonance between this man I'm in love with and me. His vibration not only fits with my field but takes it somewhere that is beautiful. I don't want anything less than that in my life. 

(Day 9) Beautiful conversation with the man I'm in love with. Starting to become more intimate and romantic which is really nice. Really sweet. 

(Day 18) Conversation with love interest, he tells me he is feeling torn. This is hard to sit with, but I do. (Later) Email from friend saying: Good news, I am not torn, that was the wrong word.

(Day 19) Drove to Chicago to meet man for the weekend. Immediate powerful connection, both electric and peaceful.

(Day 20) Wonderful day with man, a feeling of deep connection and possibility for both of us. Conversation at the end of the day though about where he is where he said his heart was "confused." This was a little hard to be with.

(Day 21) Another amazing day with companion. Too many synchronistic things and magical moments to record. Drove back to Minneapolis. He said he needed to see where his heart was once we are apart. 

(Day 22) 

Text from man (was with last weekend) saying that he is still in love with his on-again, off-again girlfriend. Am awash in sadness and my heart literally hurts. If this is the remedy I hate it.

Male friend says (via chat) that he does not want to say good-bye, why should we if we care about each other. We can have a different relationship. I knew he would say this, and I am saying I just can't, it's too hard. Not sure why I feel so all or nothing. It's not what I generally feel. I usually believe and act from that love is all that matters and the form can change. I don't feel that way here. I want him on every level or I feel I have to say good-bye.

Most of the day today had sadness and grief washing over me. Tears and sadness. 

Surrounded by loving support. All my friends were checking in on my weekend, calling and texting and emailing support for my bruised heart. One friend who is very sensitive and psychic texted to check in because she felt that my heart was hurting. 

(Epilogue)

Poetry was coming through, unstoppable. Very inspirational, hearing it should be published. It became the most important thing. I did it first instead of practical. No writers block. Felt like important message.

Story: Follow Your Dreams

(Day 1) ...What I noticed was that I wasn’t feeling the oppressive emotion that I had been feeling. Also my head was really clear...

Cleaned apartment; awareness that if anyone came over it can’t be a mess. Sense of there is work to be done, so do it, stop making excuses. Cleaning is not the norm for me, putting this off for weeks. 

(Day 4) Void: sadness, wanting to cry, feel it in my abdomen, centered in my body; feels like unrequited love, something missing so deep and so personal, if I could get to point of knowing what is missing it would be heaven.

(Day 5) Woke up in a really sweet place, peaceful.

After talking with a friend, I was ready to move home. Like it was a done deal.

 ... in state of deep reflection, some sadness, feeling of could have cried but didn’t. Lasted 30 minutes, then lifted.

(Day 6) Realizing that to move or not to move is my choice. Singing songs from Chicago with the words to the effects you can live the life you like and like the life you live. Made me happy.

Realized that this is the life of my choice – I get to move if I want to but I don’t have to. Generally when I flip back and forth with these ideas and plans I get depressed with self-contempt and self-condemnation – call myself a loser, feel unstable. Didn’t happen this time – I felt calm, I could choose the life I want. Really nice place. Whatever was there before (sense of Void) was now gone, it was the getting of it out in talking yesterday. It was gone because not needed anymore. The release allowed me to feel this way a day later. Maybe the symptom was cured – maybe this remedy is curative. I am OK with my life however it unfolds – happy and content in this single, instantaneous moment of now.

In a good place. Content enough.  Would like to accomplish something creative today.

(Day 7) Decided to reapply to fashion school in Los Angeles. Snap decision...

Joyous feelings all day. Bought new glasses, turned out brand name is “shockwave” seems related to my thoughts that remedy is earthquake. Partied 12 to 18 with people I just met at bar.

(Day 8) Started my sewing project – hadn’t sewed in months and now I designed and made a shirt. Looks like it is from the 60’s. Fitting with my sense of the conventional side of me is breaking off from the alternative side –this is what going to LA represents.

(Day 10) Emailed my father about co-signing a loan so I can go to school. Typically I wouldn’t venture to ask. Difference now, it feels important to me, I don’t want to be flaky about going to LA. Feeling a sense of freedom. Willing to explore all options, his answer doesn’t matter to me.

Ameliorated by activity; Packed most of my apartment even though I won’t move for a month. 

(Day 11) People at work commenting that the spark seems to be back. Feeling I am on the adventure.

Feeling exuberant at work. Need outlet to be unconventional. 90% committed to leave for LA in May.

Noticing that as of last week I feel I woke up out of a coma that I’ve been in for three months. Made the decision to go to LA was the moment of waking up out of the coma.

Mood down a bit having doubts about moving. Great desire to be stable financially which means staying here. This was in part after paying bills today, and actually having money left over.

(Day 12) Finances, applied for financial aid, also found out what was needed to work as a Medical technologist in California. After all of this, the conclusion is that any move will be more risky than the benefits received.

Grief, brief tears of sadness at the loss of possibility. With this acknowledgment my mood changed. All is ok.

(Day 18) Relationship with father closer after the email exchange I had with him about school. I felt a healing in that relationship, like we have a bit of a common bond now. Recognized that he and I are more similar than I originally thought.  Seems like the themes of “father”, “parenting”, “responsibility”, “right vs. wrong” are a part of this remedy state.

Story: A Healing Catalyst

During the proving, I met someone who was a catalyst to change my relationship life and really change how I view my intimate relationships in general. I also found that I relaxed a lot more.  i.e. was late for appointments, missed appointments, blew off my schedule in general and had more awareness about myself.  I became more playful with others and less hard on myself.  The relaxation part has stayed quite a bit (probably also due to decisions to make it a permanent change- i.e. Hoffman, divorce, etc.) and as soon as I went through the necessary changes, the catalyst disappeared.  So... it shook my world and then made me a better person.